The sun this morning was incredible. The trees seem to be vividly green for the first time this season, outgrowing that yellowish first-bloom color. The sun was clearly helping in all this, with the clouds from the storm rolling square over the mountains, endlessly it seemed. We made today. We stayed up all night so to make the day so luminous. Because the sun is in our blood, it is our creator and our guide (and I will not judge you if you return the favor, love). The sun does not judge, either, except “illuminate” or “sustain the blockage”. Like the big black hole in my history, my head, my humor, where it concerns J*. It is intangible to me outside of emotional scars, but when I see that in the light of healing, I recognize just how deep the wound had been. Still, I must be like the sun, not succumb to judging him or our history. I must be like the sun and return into loving and thoughtful giving.
There were flowers, there was energy for them to grow within the song. So we return: the sun calls the blooms out of hibernation, and then the rhythms of the wind give them presence, sharing their sauna of scent, their wetness, their delightful aimlessness. We pick them, and suddenly they have a new type of freedom. Flowers do not die off as many plants do, slowly, after they are plucked from their roots. No, flowers gain the freedom like the root-less do, the wanderlust that describes many tribes of human. They enter our lives, and we give them backdrops, vases, meaning. A bouquet of flowers lights up a cold hospital room like it were a group of old friends, wishing you well.
With all these wounds, it is interesting that I am strongest to deal with the physical ones. I am not afraid of my puncture now that I can no longer see the fat and muscle, oozing out but steadfast and held just barely outside my body. It is no longer painful to wash, unsettling to touch, and nauseating to look at. I feel stronger in learning to take care of my physical body than I do against my emotions, sometime, though even in these dark hours, I feel more peaceful in my head than I ever have. It’s the hidden emotions, the ones that even we do not notice, that eventually are the cause for heart-pain. My fear of physical injuries is the one I am learning to cope with now. Every day, a new series of challenges.
And my one for today is to stay awake. The hours have added up and, now that I am alone, I recognize how tired I am. Being a good parent, a good lover, a good mind, a good body, a good spirit…. these things exhaust a woman. I hope that most days are not as difficult as these. I wish upon myself the clarity that I’ve seen over the past twenty-four hours (and then some). As I was told last night, “You must see your future”. I see many more days in the future, full of the prophecies written in the sun and the flowers, and in the eyes of an old friends mother. She told me the truth, the future, I know, but it is up to me to accept that into my life.
There are things that I know, with my heart, and things that I know, with my head. I believe I’ve seen the third, now, the sight from the gut. There is so much I will not learn in this lifetime, but I see that I have acquired the knowledge, at one time or another, necessary to keep my soul on track. And I see the loved ones who have been around, who are here with me now, and those dearly departed. I cannot dismiss them for even a moment, or I am to be miserable. My greatest joys are in the eyes of those with whom I share my heart. But without trusting the mind and gut, your heart is unstable or unprotected… But, if we stay with life – the flowers – and with love – the sun… well, we can then be our own music makers, our own dreamers, beloveds.